Siska's rants.. and some other things

A lot of new things happen in my life and surround I decide to write everything comes up in my mind, to remind me again of all the silly and interesting bits and pieces...

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Last Time

When you realize, that this will be the last time you do something or the last time you meet a certain person or the last time you will be around in this people, even the simpler one such as the last time you will see this place.
What will you feel?

Some people will not feel anything, as the saying goes: when there is a greeting, there is a goodbye. This is just one among other natural things happen in life, as natural as the sun rises from the east.
As for something, it can always be replaced or substituted. As for someone, yes, there will be some feeling gone, but only up to that, there will be someother who will bring another new feeling.
As a friend said to me, when I express the regret that we will be apart and will not see each other in the near time “ c’mon, you’re not dying and neither am I. We will meet again”.
But that is not the case for me, I never be able not being sad whenever I know that this would be my last time to ever do that thing again, to meet my friend, to see this place, to stay in this room. In that time that either I want to enjoy as much as possible with them.. or I'd rather seclude myself away, so that I will not be missing them too much when the time came for me to say good-bye.
Of course that feeling will fade away after sometime, after I can cope with loosing those things well enough. Maybe it's too sissy, too sentimental. But I just can't never change that.
Weirdly that I love my job (??), that expect me to change my place and friends quite often.
Not the change that I hate, I love the change, I get bored easily, but never be able to cope with the good-bye things.
*Greatly appreciate and feel blessed with technology, which can keep me updated with all the things in my past part of life*
But let's question ourself: will we always appreciate something when I still have them around? Mostly no, I only feel that we miss that thing, whenever we've lost them, when it's too late...
Too late to say a person to his/her face that we do love them.
Too late to feel grateful to see a place.
Too late to feel glad when we really had the feeling.
Too late to be blessed when we have our friends around.
Too late to recognize what the useful things that our things actually are.
Too late to realize that someday it will be really late...
So, do we want to seize the moment and do what we suppose to do if we already knew that this is would be for the last time?


Friday, January 26, 2007


Apa sih sebenernya batas dan limitnya sehingga bisa di definisikan sebagai selingkuh?
1. Have some special things going on and having affection to somebody else, where you have already a string attached.
2. Okelah, masih bisa pergi2 bareng temen2 dan sangat akrab plus do something and anything.. as long as won't deny your conscience.. then, masih belum bisa disebut perselingkuhan.
3. Bahkan ngeliatin (dan gosipin - which is very natural for girl) somebody dan start to have some fling.
4. Changing partner when still have the status of the old one not resolved yet (sex and the city banget yah)
5. Doubled the partner(s)
6. Bahkan, dalam beberapa kasus... kerja, binatang kesayangan, hobby, sahabat.. bisa jadi contoh kasus perselingkuhan
7. Atau misalnya semua hubungan dengan orang laen masih permissible asal TST dan selalu ngatain yang jujurnya.
Jadi sebenernya apa yang di harapkan? Apa yang dianggap benar? Apa yang dianggap pantas?
Kalo misalnya heart tells the other way gimana? Kalau misalnya... you just realized that you can't take your eyes of of somebody? Kalo misalnya being with somebody around will lighten up your day? Kalo misalnya.. sengaja nunggu sampe bisa pulang bareng.. atau sekedar jalan ke pintu depan bareng.. dan kalo kejadian... wuihh.. that smile can't be casted away from your face?
Kalo misalnya, every little thing reminds you of that person will glow your face?
Kalo misalnya doing something with somebody will be the most enjoyable time..and suddenly you find that you can't erase the short messages (even for a short and simple ones, such as: "what's up?"). kalo misalnya semua memori jadi kenangan yang indah.. yang bikin senyum2 sendiri kalo inget?
Kalo sudah begitu...bagaimana masalah komitment vs hati?
Siapa sih yang sudah siap2 untuk feel it that way? Selalu saja semuanya " baru nyadar kalo udah telat". Selalu saja semuanya.. akan ada excusenya selalu (pada awalnya): ah... ini kan karena sering bareng aja, ah kan emang dia nice ke semua orang (so, kenapa harus aku yang terjebak and interprete it differently?).
Apakah the sincere and unexpected feeling that comes from the bottom of the heart be something wrong, then?
Well,... I've said what I had to say.. and will not regret it.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Been there, done that, ....will do it again or no?

Often happen in my life, there are some chances, some occasions, some prossibilities, some trials.. which lots of them have passed by.. without me doing anything to that, or even worse, without me realizing that it passed already.
Classic Case - grab the opprtunity.. whatever it takes.
To do something
To say something
To achieve something
To read something
To watch something
To travel somewhere
To try new things
Or even just to catch a chance to be lazy and couch-potato-ing.
"Been there, done that,.. "
The question deep inside following afterwards... do I always be able to conclude to myself with the full certainty that I will not regret it?
Or the other side, mostly I will ask another question : will I do it again or not?

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Squash: for health or for torture?

Currently I like squash very much.
I started from the scratch, in the terms that: I've never seen the racket and the ball..nor have I seen the court.
It was last year that I went with couple of friends to play squash in the nearby court. First thing grabbed my attention was that the court is indoor with some AC in:).. quite nice for an exercise.
The squash court is always a square room fully closed..covered with 3 sided walls and 1 glass walls as the backside/exit.
There are 2 players for each game. One serves first and hit the ball to the front wall. The ball can bounce maximum 1 time before another player must catch it. The ball is allowed to bounde to the side walls or to the back glass wall.
The racket is similar tennis racket but smaller in diameter and lighter. The ball is small with 2 inches diameter, made from black rubber. The ball is usually hard to bounce at the first, because it is still cold.. but after a while, then it becomes more flexible and bouncing easier.
At first, it was difficult to hit the ball, since I am never got any practice yet.. so at that time squash is just a time killing and trying new thing. In addition, I don't have my own racket and also we need to go to the court to play.
But just recently I started playing it again, since the new court is ready in the compound. And also a friend lend me her squash racket and balls (which is still with me until now: 3 weeks later:p).
And now, after 2 weeks playing squash almost everyday, I think I start to enjoy it as I start to get the knack of hitting the ball.
I am lucky since the court is available just in front of the apartment (one not-so-good-thing from this court is that they don't provide any AC, just a fan hanging from the roof... but the other hand... it is like we went for sauna as well when playing squash.. so... not really a problem).
And also, I have several friends with the same interest for the squash.. and we always meet at the court after work. Also teach me some good tecniques.
But then, after a while, I just notice that when I played I was too hard on myself, sometimes couldn't control myself and bumped myself to the wall. resulting 2 big bruises on both of my knees, another bruises on my thigh, wrist, elbows and the worst is I twisted the muscle on my neck.. so that I can barely move my head.
I tought that it is just a minor thing, but the pain wouldn't come off the next day. I was stubborn and told myself that this will be over shortly. But last night it was so painful, even when I laid myself down on bed. It still hurted.
Today I call a masseur. i called her to come to my place and massage me. It does not make any difference, that the pain is still there.
So I don't know what I want from this activity.. it seems not being healthy that I got, but rather: a damage to my body.
I have to be more careful next time..
Oops, I have to remind everybody about another squash session this afternoon...:D


Friday, January 19, 2007

Falling in love

Falling in love is inevitable.
It can happen to anyone at any time, without even a prior notice. It just happen. It happens to people with different background, different situation, various age and sex.. this is really a non-categorized feeling. It is so abstract, can't be described and explained logically.
At first, we think that it is just a normal and easy-to-go-away-fling. Then tried to look at the bad side of it, try to deny. Try to think that it is actually nothing, just a matter of mellow heart or seeking of an affection. Then also try to think that this is just because a particular condition and situation which support this to happen. Further, start to think ahead whether or not to be bold with it. Sometimes it will drives us crazy, thinking the right or wrong, the yes or no, the acceptable and unaceptable.
Still we can't help ourselves but to enjoy the feeling .. feel glad to see that someone.. so deperate to hear any news.. so wanting to have any kind of connection with. And it feels so damn good.. when that chance comes, no matter short it is.. it will lighten our day.. it will make us can't stop smiling.. it will brighten up our face.
Then it will plays with us so ruthlessly..keep coming and going away and drives us mad.
Then, to make it more complicated, as if it is not complicated enough... it has to deal and linked to other part of our life, such as the society, people,w ho will see, and comment and judge. Compromize with our own norm...our own priority. And fighting with chances and times, to go with it and sink.. or to be playing hard-ball and cut it just like that.
But still how hard it is.. we can't resist the feeling.. the feeling that we didn't want to admit or we don't want it to continue. The feeling that even we don't realize.. until it is too late..
And at that time.. always regret comes : and the only thing we can say, is why it is always too late to realize...
(for somebody...)


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Balikpapan - these past 2.5 years


A small-oil town in East Kalimantan. It is located on the coastal area. Not very big in size. It has hills and sea on the other side.
It is known as an oil cities and it has lots of companies operates here, related to the oil and mining industry.
So small it is, that it only has 1 long main road, which connects the suburb, a small fisherman village called Manggar to another suburb, another fisherman village called Kampung Baru. Along the way.. we can find the housing area, several markets, restaurants, offices and hotels.. but FYI that there is no 21 cinema here.
This is the place where I have spent 2.5 years of my life, working, hanging out, socializing, feeling blue and depressed, forgotten and ignored, partying, being couch potato, exercising (in great amount), being sick, being happy and so lively, restless, doing some cooking practicing, finding a lot of fun people to hang around with, studyinga nd working very hard for my project, given shit by the client, job problems, personal problems,getting older (but not wiser), knowing new people and also forgetting people... and a lot of other things.
Sure that this is not the perfect, flowery place, with the sun shines every day of the year...but it does fill some part inside my heart.
First time since I have been transferred here until the next 1 year.. my life was completely work.. work and work.. very rarely I took weekend off, except sundays. I sat in one room with my boss, and apart from other engineers.. that was the reason why I am barely know and being known by others and didn't have much time to do anything else as well. I shared one staff house with 2 others friends: Novi and Firman.. they are fun, but we were rarely together in the house since our scedule of offshore, vacation, or training were different. Then Firman were out for long time.. and left myself and Novi hang around most of the time.
Until the next 6 months - 1 year, we have spent a lot of things together.. if I can recall.. there were: diet phase (Atkins, no-meat, no snacks and other unnamed diets), exercise phase (swimming for 15 min then continued by gossiping for another 45 min:p), chatting frenzy phase, flirting phase, clubbing phase (This is my first real hang out with others), and off course the bitching phase were always there, come and go and come again... Then we have to moved to other housing complex, where we don't share 1 house but we have different single apartment.. off course we chose 2 apartment next to each other.
There she did her project and scored it very well.. and soon after that, she was moved out from Balikpapan.
Then I kept being very much busy because of the job, new bos, new colleagues, come and go. And I lost 1 friend, a very good guy..and the sad part is that I didn't use up my time with him in useful way.. if I knew that he would go that fast....
It was very painful when I saw the faces of his wife and 4-kids when I hurried with them to the hospital, so painful that I chose not even keep in contact with them again, since they will always remind me of him.
That time I tought that I couldn't continue this, I'd rather go away and forget about it at all. I couldn't stop crying.I didn't know and I don;t remember, how I could pass those is true the people said that "time heals"..
After some time..and the work keep piling up.. then it got better. Alone in the apartment.. new people comes and goes. I did spent most of my time alone.. I can even stay inside my room for 2 days, didn't go out at all, I did that on New Year 2006. I feel exhausted if I spent too much time with people around me.. so exhausted like I want to go back and lock myself in.
After some time, things changes.. I start to do some exercise.. running in the morning or eveing, through some tracks passing the village, greenery, hills, sometimes muddy spots. Then I found another new circle of friends to do something and feel that I am healthier and more positive.
Also my 2 foster families - Yong and Debby, Anton and Cika.. who always stuffed me with great food and chat. I love going to their home.. only for chatting, watching TV,walking the dog, babysit the kid, cooking together.
Then the chain of partying starts.. there were always party here and there.. if there was any occasion for the party: like welcoming or farewell party.. then obviously we had to have one.. but if there wasn't any occasion.. then we'll make our own party or clubbing:).
The lots of things happening: After long and tedious work, then finnaly I can get my project done and presented: my duty is over!.. also Deby and Yong's daughter was born on 02 Oct 2006, the name is Zoey Yong. She's so cute and always crying everytime I hold her:p.
I keep the running regularly and do some swimming in the middle... being a badminton athlete, playing squash and tennis sometimes.
Trying to smoke.. but found out later that my throat and nose is too sensitive for being an active smoker (so I keep my position as a passive smoker only:p). start and continue to liking booze, beer and wine is my favourite.. but overall I love alcohol.
Then Aan and Liny were around quite often.. we did clubbing (most of the times), playing pool, eating out, girly thingy, gossiping (for sure). So fun beinga round them.. always laughing and making fun to each other in harmless way. Sometimes, when we lost idea what to do, we just sit down, (they) smoke and drink beer, chat and gossip, tell funny stories.
Now the end of my staying here is getting near and nearer. I wouldn't deny that sometimes I used to think that this place sucks and I am bored being here..
But now I start to be sad, that I have to leave all the great memories here, will I have such good time also in the new place, will I still be able to keep in contact with the same comfortable feeling with the people I love here.
People got apart and the time and distance also will make all of us changed. The old times was best being told and remembered. The reunion will unlikely to happen, even if it does.. it will happen not very often and most of the times.. the feeling is just not there any longer


Thursday, January 04, 2007

2007 resolution

Karena tahun berganti, trus dianggap bisa jadi milestones untuk achieve sesuatu.
Bisa dijadiin pengingat, kalo pernah berniat ngelakuin sesuatu.
Bisa dijadiin bahan untuk evaluasi diri di akhir taun ntar (kalo engga sibuk partying dan count-down ganti taun tentunya:p).
Bisa dijadiin cara untuk kembali memunculkan motivasi.
Kayaknya mah udah normal banget kalo pertanyaan, topik chatting, bahasan, obrolan, wacana (huah).. diawal taun tuh: apa resolusi baru kamu?
Paling gak, lebih dari dua pertanyaan yang mampir ke diriku pada tanggal 2-Jan-2006 (hari pertama masuk kerja setelah libur taun baru).
Dan, untuk pertanyaan demi pertanyaan yang sama itu.. tetep aja aku ga punya jawabannya..
Aku jenis orang yang jarang merencanakan sesuatu jauh kedepan, selalu aku terlalu malas untuk mikirin -apa ntar nya- ataupun aku terlalu banyak berubah, sehingga kupikir, mikir duluan didepan will not do any help.
Pokoknya: kata2 rencana, idea, forecast, resolution, bench mark, milestone and at the end, evaluation.. sangatlah jauh dari diriku.
Sampai karena merasa harus punya resolusi awal taun, aku memaksa diriku untuk merenung.. you must have something!
Dan, ketemulah hari ini: aku mau diet lemon untuk detox!.. moga2 jadi lebih sehat.
Caranya: tiap pagi hari.. peraslah sebuah lemon (kalo susah cari lemon ya pake jeruk nipis gapapa) trus minum pake segelas aer.
Hmm... mesti kerja keras nih untuk nemuin resolusi laen yang lebih berarti..


Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year's blue

Never have I felt that feeling.. or maybe I just never realized and think about that deeply.., it is when you feel empty stabbed onto your chest.. when you don't want to cry, but can't smile either.
This is the feeling without any reason or definite cause.. but also you can't see where it is going to end.
During new year, the office was almost empty, people tends to take vacation around christmas and new year, because they want to spend it at home, or simply because the kid's school scedule.
So, being in the place that I came here only for work.. then my hang around group ar people from office mostly.

But, even with some others accompany.. then the stabbed feeling is still there, can't easily cast it away. Feel nothing and at the same time I feel so desperate..

Just in that time then I realize, that this periods will always there.. just hide deep inside.. waiting for its right time to come out and show itself.
Then the question is.. whether we can ignore and forget about it or we can just try to dive ouself in and enjoy that feeling


Balikpapan Mascot

This cute little guy was the important role of Balikpapan to win the ING sport day. He supported his father on a tennis match. With the 2 colored pom-pom in his hands, he couldn't restrain himself of entering the court again and again, yelling gibberish in high tone.. with I am sure.. some cursing and magic swear that he rapelled.
Not just one time that whenever he yelled and point his little fingers.. then the enemy's ball went out.