Jokes on Love

HAPPY VAL'S DAY!!!!!

The Rules by which females are governed :-)

1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.
2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.
3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
5. The FEMALE is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.
14. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!
15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
16. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.
17. The MALE must be ready at ALL times


Stupid Jokes on Men:

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?"What Men Know About Women"
2. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature
3. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head
4. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up
5. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares
6. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know... it has never happened
7. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum
8. What's the difference between a man and E.T? E.T. phoned home
9. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer
10. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted !
11. What did God say after he created man? I can do better
12. What are two reasons men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business
13. What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist
14. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal? He bronzed it
15. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy and wearable"
16. Only a man could buy a $400 car and put a $4000 stereo in it
17. Why did God create man? He needed to practice
18. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost, at least she will ask for directions

Jokes on marriage:

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comeswith my husband!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

Then, really, why there are still marriages?

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.

Why Government does not allow a Man to Marry 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake

When do you congratulate someone for their mistake.On their marriage.

If you do NOT have a wife - You are missing Some thing in your life. If you have a wife - You are missing So Many things in your life.

Marriage is a three ring circus:engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering